When I first started dating, I believed attraction was an art. A beautiful mosaic that two people painted together, each withtheir unique brush strokes and favorite hues. I still believe this to some degree. Itās two intricate, complex humans coming together to create something equally intricate and complex.
This view of attraction as art suited me in the early years. I was never much of a math/science person. I naturallygravitated towards the humanities and would run rapidly from anything that required small numbers in even tinier boxes(hello, excel!).
But as I started dating more and reflecting on those experiences, I came to a critical realization: there are more patterns inattraction than I originally realized. If I did certain things, the guy would disappear, guaranteed. If I did other things, theguy would chase me, hard. The inverse was also true. If a guy did certain things, I would be very interested. If he didother things, I would Check please! quicker than a Scaramucci. Thereās a level of predictability to interest, which, in turn,challenged my original hypothesis. Attraction is just as much science as it is art, maybe even more so.
Before I dive in to what I learned, Iām offering a soft disclaimer. I havenāt been appointed official Spokesperson forWomankind (I mean⦠but how cool would that job be?), so what Iām saying might not apply to all women. But I canspeak for myself and what keeps me interested. And Iāve floated this by many of my female friends and they all say Iāvehit the mark. So, thereās that.
Here is what Iāve noticed.
The two things that keep women interested:
Women stay interested when their partner is fascinated and fascinating.
Have one without the other (or neither) and a woman will lose interest. Letās unpack this.
When a woman feels she is the object of her partnerās fascination, she will stay interested. What does this look like?
He pursues her. This is often where women lose interest, particularly in the early stages of dating. Men: woo her. Never stop wooing her. This means picking up the phone and calling instead of endless texting. This means reaching out regularly. I once heard a guy friend say āif a man goes 48 hours without contacting you, heās not interested.ā Itās true, and a woman feels it. If a women is left wondering how you feel about her as a result of your absence, she will lose interest fast. To hold her interest, the rules of courtship apply: flowers just because, opening of doors, arriving on time, all manner of gentlemanly behavior, and most importantly, regular contact. If you had a great date, tell her. This is less pep talk, more observation: fascinated men can barely hold themselves back from reaching out and not soon enough. Speaking personally, if a man doesnāt call me 24 hours after a date, I start to loseinterest.
He is curious about her. He wants to know what makes her tick. He would rather ask her questions than talk abouthimself. Because how else will he get to know what moves her, what angers her, what makes her cry? (Itās Toy Story3 btw). And not questions like where she works & lives, but questions that get to the heart of how she sees the world. When a man doesnāt ask these types of questions (or any at all), women lose interest.
He wants to please her. He wants to know how to exceed expectations. I was once on a date where a man asked me āHow often do you prefer being communicated with and in what way?ā Subtext: I really like you and I want to hit a home run. This was awesome & very hot. When a man is fascinated with a woman, he will continually position himself to surpass all potential competition. If a manās not trying to find out what pleases her (I use ātryingāloosely because for a fascinated man, itās a delight and not work), women lose interest.
He desires her. He tells her he wants her. He never stops telling her. He gets specific about how he desires her. Trust me men, this will keep her interested. Long, long time.. This was awesome & very hot. When a man is fascinated with a woman, he will continually position himself to surpass all potential competition. If a manās not trying to find out what pleases her (I use ātryingā loosely because, for a fascinated man, itās a delight and not work), women lose interest.
He is taken with her. He is captivated. Even the trivial things are attractive because it is her thatās doing them. She could be walking around the house in yoga pants, but to him itās Look at that amazing woman wearing those cute black pants. Thereās a verse in Song of Solomon that encapsulates this: āLike a lily among thorns is my darling among the young women.ā His lady: flower. Every other woman: thorns. No one compares to her. Not a single one.
ā¦He tells her so. Itās not just that heās taken with her, he communicates it. Speaking personally: when a man is liberal with how he feels about me, my heart melts and simultaneously becomes magnetically attracted to his. His verbalized interest solidifies mine. Tell her you adore her. Tell her āwhen you do x, it makes me feel like superman.āVerbalize all those wonderful things youāre thinking about her. If youāre thinking/feeling it, and itās complimentary, SAY IT. The results will be in your favor ;)
When a man is fascinating, a woman will stay interested. This is a man who:
is curious about the world and is a life-long learner;
has values and lives by them;
has deep, meaningful relationships (family and friends);
respects his body & takes care of it;
takes real risks, and consequently, has interesting life experiences;
has hobbies/pastimes that bring him enjoyment;
is living out his purpose.
Heās figured out what he wants to contribute to the world and is doing it. Heās ambitious but also takes time to relax andhave fun. Heās intentional about building and pouring into those important to him. He wakes up each day excited to learn,do, contribute. A fulfilled man.
All of these things are a life force for him. He doesnāt need a woman to complete him. He has a full, thriving life already.Heās got it going on. Heās someone she can lean on, learn from, respect, and desire. Heās fully perfect & external to her.And that grounded, stable presence pulls her in. Weāve all been in situations where someone we are dating is one but notthe other. For example, someone who is fascinated with us but has nothing going on in their own life. Thatās a turn-off. Orthe incredible person with an incredible life, but they barely reach out or make an effort. Also a turn-off. Both pieces āfascinated and fascinating ā are needed to maintain attraction.
I was recently at an event where the speaker could not stop talking about his wife. How much of a rock she was in theirmarriage. How wise she was. How he loved her smile and her legs (not in that order). She was in the audience ā the frontrow to be exact ā and was just glowing. I mean, connect some sort of generator to her and we could power the state ofMichigan for perpetuity. The interesting thing? From a looks perspective, she was average by the worldās standards. Itdidnāt matter. Her manās fascination made her glow.
For a second I was almost jealous of her. Not because I wanted to be with her husband, but because I wanted someone to feel about me the way he clearly felt about her.
Men, donāt miss this. Itās less about your looks or your paycheck and more about how you make her feel. Your affectionhas the power to make a woman shine. Be liberal with it. She will blossom under the sun of your interest & shade of yourpresence. And thatās not to say women canāt bloom without a partner. Thatās not it. Itās that thereās a certain type ofillumination unique to a woman basking in the rays of a manās fascination. Itās breathtaking.
Before I dive . He t. He is captivated. Even the trivial things are attractive because it is her thatās doing them. She could bewalking around the house in yoga pants, but to him, itās s awesome & very hot. When a man is fascinated with a woman,he will continually position himself to surpass all potential competition. If a manās not trying to find out what pleases her(I use ātryingā loosely because, for a fascinated man, itās a delight and not work), women lose interest.erest To hold herinterest, the rules of courtship apply flowers just because, opening of doors, arriving on time, all manner of gentlemanlybehavior, and most importantly, regular contact. If you had a great date, tell her. This is less pep talk, more observation:fascinated men can barely hold themselves back from reaching out and not soon enough. Speaking personally, if a mandoesnāt call me 24 hours after a date, I start to lose interest.
I would often look at couples who had been together for decades and were still taken with each other, and compare themto those cheerless couples that make observers want to run from commitment, and wonder how the same situation āyears in a relationship ā could produce totally different outcomes. I donāt wonder anymore. Itās the science of interest.Smitten couples are doing the work of fascination. That is it. They are still interested and show it, they are still interestingand live it. Thatās the magic sauce.
When I see couples like that it inspires me to hold out for the real thing. And validates every past decision not to settle for something less than.
Written by MaryBeth Gronek
#relationshipexpert #london #matchmaker #humanconnections
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